Da 101 Misadventures of Chavvy Potter
by obstacle1
Summary: In which Harry tricks out his broomstick, pimps witches, antagonises Voldemort, and causes all manners of madnesses.


Chaptah 1: Magickarp

* * *

"So, fer yer Third Year Care o' Magical Creatures, I though' we'd start with some—"

"Hagrid!"

"With some Hippogriffs—"

"Yo Hagrid!"

A hand, the size of a dinner plate, stopped gesturing towards the Hippogriff enclosure. Most of the students were watching Harry, who was looking at Hagrid hopefully.

"What is it Harry?" Hagrid asked gruffly, put out at being interrupted during his first lecture.

"Are Pokémon for reals?" Harry asked enthusiastically.

* * *

The Sphinx finished her riddle and gazed down at Harry impressively.

"Remember, you may choose not to answer and walk away unscathed—"

"Izzit James Bond?"

"One guess only, I'm afraid—"

"Izzit it a Dementor? Cos you shouldn' kiss dem, you get food poisoning or whatever…"

"I'm going to have to attack you now—"

"Izzit Pansy Parkinson?"

"No, you don't understand the rules—"

"Izzit Liam Hewlett's dog?"

"Please stop—"

"Cos he said if I kissed his dog for like a whole minute when we was eight he'd given me his Snickers bar yeah? But the dog tasted well rough and had mad slobber and I got hair on the chocolate anyways so—"

A squeal sounded behind them, and Harry and the Sphinx turned to look. Cedric had been captured by an Acromantula. He managed to get two spells away into the creature's abdomen, but neither was effective and he was dragged screaming into the hedge.

"Senseless waste", Harry said sagely. "You reckon you could take that spider?"

The sphinx sighed and stepped aside, giving Harry a clear path to the Triwizard Cup.

* * *

The beat of wings announced the morning post. Harry looked up just in time to see a blur of white plummet thirty feet from the top of the Great Hall, land headfirst with an audible crack on the Gryffindor Table, bounce once and finish in a pitcher of pumpkin juice. A second year hurried down the table and placed the pitcher between Harry and Ron before running away. Harry looked into the drink. A couple of talons and a soggy envelope poked out.

"Iz dat Hewwig?" Ron asked through a mouthful of twice-scrambled eggs, and got a thump in response.

"Show some class bruv, especially when dere's a lady present".

Harry admonished Ron as he fished his letter out. Hermione and Ginny both smiled at Harry from across the table and then scowled at each other.

"Is you alright, ma snowy sweetness?" Harry asked the pitcher, a concerned look on his face.

A watery hoot came from the bottom of the pitcher. Hedwig was lifted out and placed, sopping wet, on the table and struggling to stand under the weight of a thick gold necklace. She tottered for a few seconds and fell over, straining to breathe.

Hermione and Ginny had realised Harry's fondness wasn't directed at them, and rounded on him angrily.

"Harry, what have you done to Hedwig?"

"That necklace is cruel, it's choking him!"

Harry didn't look impressed at being harassed.

"Can't a man buy his girl a chain to show her his affection dese days? Allow it, yeah?" he shot back.

Ginny picked Hedwig up and tried to console the owl with cooing noises. Two black stripes had been sprayed down Hedwig's back, from her neck to her tailfeathers.

"And what are these?" she demanded, incensed, showing Harry Hedwig's back.

"Go faster stripes", Harry said, grinning.

* * *

"Harry, have you seen Trevor anywhere?" Hermione asked.

Harry looked up from his cereal. "Wot, Neville's – owl?" He said, feigning confusion. "No man tells me nothing."

"Well, Ernie says he saw you and Hagrid sneak into one of the greenhouses last night with a toad."

Harry decided he would have to shank Ernie with a paperclip.

"We was tryin' to make a proper Bulbasaur."

"A Bulba– a what?"

"Hagrid thought if we attached a Venomous Tentacula to the frog, it would look proper wicked-like", Harry mumbled into his Coco Pops, worried at how Hermione would react.

"Is Trevor ok?"

Harry reached into his rucksack with a glum expression and pulled out Trevor, a Venomous Tentacula sellotaped to his back, in a mess of blood and pus. Several tendrils were lashing out at Trevor, who was doing his best to eat as many of them as he could.

"Hagrid was real sure it would work, but dey isn't getting on", he said, pushing his snapping creation towards Hermione.

"At least Trevor doesn't look too badly hurt", Hermione said kindly, inspecting the toad. "Has he been poisoned?"

"We wasn't sure, cos he's already green, innit?"

Hermione pondered this. Harry looked miserably at his failed Pokémon.

* * *

"Hey Hermione", Harry began, "You looking for a good time?"

"For the hundredth time, no", Hermione replied, not bothering to look up from Quirrell's homework assignment the Gryffindor first years were attempting.

"It's shaved", he continued in a stage whisper, "only the finest for the finest—"

"You don't have any pubes Harry", she said curtly.

* * *

Harry landed with a jolt on solid ground. The Triwizard Cup slipped from his hand. He appeared to be in a graveyard. A cloaked figure approached him, carrying a bundle wrapped in robes. The bundle suddenly moved and spoke, in a high, clear voice.

"Kill the spare."

The man in the cloak looked between Harry and the talking bundle nervously. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence followed.

"My – my lord – there is no spare."

"Wormtail", the bundle said menacingly, "do not question your lord."

"Yes, master, of course, I would never doubt your judgement – master", a reedy laugh came from the figure, who was beginning to panic.

"Then do as I say, Wormtail", the bundle responded.

The cloaked figure scanned the graveyard frantically, opened his mouth to speak, but thought better of it and fell silent. The bundle made some hissing noises; a giant snake slithered out from behind a gravestone and wound itself up the cloaked man's leg. Pitiful sobbing sounds began.

Harry decided he'd seen enough and picked up the Triwizard Cup.

* * *

With the help of a breadknife, Harry was aggressively disembowelling a pumpkin. Ron, Hermione, and several other Gryffindors were watching him with concern.

"Cheer up mate", Ron tried, "it's the Halloween feast."

Harry looked up from his pulpy mess.

"Why does Fifa always come out when we're at school?" he asked angrily, with a vicious thrust at the soft belly of the pumpkin.

* * *

"Cedric Diggory's death was a tragic accident", Dolores Umbridge intoned, looking at Harry with contempt.

"Ceddy Bear's death was no accident!" Harry shouted, out of his seat, "He was killed by da Dark Lord proper grisly!"

"Mr Potter!" Umbridge shrieked, losing her composure completely, "you will cease with these wild allegations – these invented stories. Cedric Diggory was mauled and eaten by a Acromantula in the Third Task of the Triwizard Cup."

Harry titled his head to one side, as if recalling a particularly elusive memory.

"That's true actually", he said, "I'd forgotten about that."

* * *

Harry sprinted down from the Third Year dormitory into the Common Room.

"Dean, Dean!" he shouted gleefully, "I've done it bluds, come and check it out!"

Dean jumped from his game of Exploding Snap with Seamus and ran after Harry back up to the dormitory.

Ron, Neville and Seamus watched them go. After a few seconds, they reached a silent understanding and followed their roommates, resigned to whatever monstrosity Harry had created.

Harry and Dean, grins plastered on their faces, were watching something flop about on the floor.

A giant, salmon-coloured fish, with white fins and oversized lips was thudding against the floorboards, wide-eyed and gasping for breath. Two long, yellow whiskers twitched as the creature's gills opened and closed rapidly.

"Um", Neville began, "it's not really doing anything."

"Exactly!" Harry and Dean chorused.


End file.
